Chosen Family Pride: Reparenting Yourself with Chosen Family
“Family is family, in church or in prison; You get what you get, and you don't get to pick 'em” - Kacey Musgraves, Family is Family
“You can’t choose your family!” How many of us grew up hearing that? Like it was some kind of unshakable truth. But if you’re queer (and especially if you’ve ever faced rejection from your family of origin) you know that phrase can induce a pain that almost physically hurts. In fact, for many LGBTQ+ folks, feeling “stuck” with our birth family is a source of deep grief.
Because the truth is: sometimes, we have to choose our family. That choice can save our lives.
And for many of us, it becomes the foundation of something even deeper: reparenting ourselves.
What is chosen family?
Chosen family is a term that shows up often in queer and trans spaces, and for good reason. It speaks to the radical act of building kinship beyond bloodlines, of finding our people when our birth families couldn’t or wouldn’t, show up for who we are.
If you're a member of the queer community and have found your people, you probably know this in your bones. Whether you've quietly connected with others online, marched in your local Pride parade, or simply sat across from someone who finally got you, you know the truth: so many of us are grieving the family we never had.
Sometimes that call to grieve is loud, like when a best friend’s parents skip her wedding because “two women can’t get married.” Sometimes it’s quieter, like when a neighbor starts hosting queer Christmas for anyone who doesn’t have a seat at the family table anymore.
For queer and trans people, family rejection is heartbreakingly common. In fact, 28% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ+, despite making up less than 10% of the general youth population (Trevor Project). That statistic doesn’t just reflect houselessness; it reflects familial abandonment, systemic failure, and a culture that still often tells us we are too much, too different, or simply not welcome.
And yet.
We build.
We gather.
We reparent ourselves through the relationships we choose, with friends who text to check in when the world feels sharp, with partners who make you soup when you’re sick, with mentors who say “yes, you belong here,” even when you forget how to believe it yourself.
What is reparenting and why does it matter?
Reparenting is the process of giving yourself the care, structure, and emotional support that your caregivers couldn’t provide. That can happen in two ways: reparenting yourself on an individual level through compassionate thoughts and actions and being reparented in community by allowing yourself to experience healthy care from others. Through chosen family, we get to learn:
That love can be unconditional.
That boundaries are a form of care.
That softness isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength.
“…From the outside these moments might seem ordinary, but for someone whose early relationships were laced with fear or shame, they’re anything but. In the context of reparenting, chosen family can offer the kind of affirming, attuned care that teaches your nervous system what safety and love actually feel like.”
Another of way to describe this in psychobabble is that we are looking to have a corrective emotional experience. A corrective emotional experience is a moment in which we have a different, healing experience in a relationship that challenges and reshapes old emotional patterns, particularly those formed in childhood. If you grew up feeling unseen, unsafe, or like love had to be earned through self-sacrifice, a corrective experience might be as simple (and as powerful) as someone showing up consistently, respecting your boundaries, or loving you without conditions. It’s not always dramatic or cinematic. Often, it’s quietly transformative. Over time, these moments help rewire the nervous system, making safety, connection, and self-trust feel more natural and less like foreign concepts.
For LGBTQ+ folks, especially those who’ve experienced rejection or erasure within their families of origin, chosen family can be fertile ground for these reparative experiences. You might notice it in small moments: when your roommate leaves a Post-it with a reminder to eat, or when your best friend offers to walk with you to your first therapy session. When someone sees you as enough, not in spite of who you are, but because of who you are.
From the outside these moments might seem ordinary, but for someone whose early relationships were laced with fear or shame, they’re anything but. In the context of reparenting, chosen family can offer the kind of affirming, attuned care that teaches your nervous system what safety and love actually feel like.
Finding (and building) your chosen family
If you're still searching for that kind of community, you’re not alone. And you're not behind! Building chosen family takes time, trust, and space to grow. Some steps that may help:
🌱 Start with shared values. Queer community isn’t one-size-fits-all. Look for people who honor your truth, your gender, your neurodivergence, your softness.
🌱 Be honest about your needs. Healing doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay. Practice telling trusted people when you’re lonely. Let them show up for you.
🌱 Offer what you can, when you can. Chosen family is reciprocal. Sometimes you're the one making the tea. Sometimes someone makes it for you.
🌱 Protect your peace. Folks are not guaranteed access to your precious time and energy just because they’re also member of the LGBTQ+ community. You still get to have boundaries and preferences.
And if you're already nurturing those connections, take a moment to notice how powerful that is. You’ve already begun the work of healing.
“Where are my people hiding??”
“No matter what your given family has shown you, you are loveable and deserving of a supportive community. We’re social creatures! We’re not supposed to be white-knuckling it through late-stage capitalism alone. So go be brave and keep building the caring network you deserve. If you want more support in that endeavor, you know where to find me!”
“Where are my people hiding??”
This is one of the questions I hear in therapy sessions most often when working on building community. If you are still building your chosen family, here are some places to start looking (see below).
Local community hubs
Time to start your internet sleuthing! Where are the local LGBTQ+ hubs in your neighborhood? Where I’m located in Jacksonville, FL, there are trans- and queer-owned and LGBTQ+-affirming coffee shops, restaurants, bars, plant stores, yoga studios, and community organizations. Find ‘em and follow ‘em on socials! Many host events where you can meet new people. You might consider becoming a regular or even an employee at a local spot, or volunteer with a local organization supporting LGBTQ+ folks. Not sure where to start? See who’s around on Everywhere is Queer or the LGBTQIA Hub.
Online communities
The internet sleuthing continues! Not all of us have the luxury of finding like-minded folks in a large city. As someone who holds many dear relationships via long-distance, I can attest that friends from afar can be just as meaningful as those next door. Some places to check out:
Discord: Explore servers for queer and trans spaces
Famm Connect App: Don’t miss their events tab for virtual and local options
Twitch: Great option for dipping your toe in the water an observer without pressure to participate actively
Meetup: Search for LGBTQ+ groups or events both locally and online
Local events
Event platforms can let you know what’s happening in your neighborhood. Many larger cities have social media accounts or websites dedicated to local events. Try some of these to get started:
Eventbrite: Big list of all the events in your area
Do Stuff: Curated lists of local events in select cities
LGBTQ Outdoors: See if your area has a local chapter. More options for outdoor fun with these organizations.
Facebook events: I know, I KNOW. Hear me out… Even as an elder millennial whose friends no longer use this app, it still holds a lot of local info!
When you’re building community, remember that finding the right people in your support network takes time. If you work up the courage to go to an event and don’t talk to anyone (or don’t vibe with anyone) it’s still a step in the right direction. KEEP GOING! This adventure works best if you’re both flexible and authentic. I invite you to push yourself a little out of your comfort zone while still staying true to who you are. That might mean driving 30 minutes to an event that’s interesting even though it’s annoying to get to and part of you wants to stay in bed. It does not mean going to happy hour events when you’re sober or attending rambunctious late-night karaoke when you’re an introverted early-bird. Listen to your gut and give yourself time.
A therapist’s note: You don’t have to do this alone
No matter what your given family has shown you, you are loveable and deserving of a supportive community. We’re social creatures! We’re not supposed to be white-knuckling it through late-stage capitalism alone. So go be brave and keep building the caring network you deserve. If you want more support in that endeavor, you know where to find me!
