Queer, polyamorous, and kink-affirming identities invite us to question social norms, reconnect with our needs, and build relationships rooted in truth and consent

Every Pride Month, my social media algorithm explodes with in-fighting about who is allowed or included in Pride. If leather daddies are there repping kink, is it still family-friendly? If polyam folks want in under the Pride umbrella, does that open the door for more straight people at Pride events? At what cost? Are kink and polyamory chosen experiences or parts of one’s *identity*? Does the answer change how welcome someone is during Pride Month?

The meaning in our differences

These questions of inclusion and inclusion are still reverberating across communities even after Pride month has officially ended. I’m certainly not the arbiter of who gets invited where, but I’ve learned a lot from discussions about our complex community Venn diagrams. Here are a few takeaways:

Greater diversity can expand our sense of what’s possible. Visibility and representation matter. The more I hear about wholesome, queer AF polycule family vacations, the bigger my kitchen-table polyam dream grows. Seeing it, hearing about it, being around it allows me to hold that possibility for myself in a deeper way. It inspires me to live more creatively, more authentically, and less for the sake of what’s expected.
Diversity is most impactful when we can make meaningful contact. Knowing there might be asexual folks at a Pride dance party is not the same as swapping stories about dating challenges from your unique perspectives. The more we have the opportunity to take in the lived experience of others, the more we see the people beyond the identity labels.
There’s a difference between being “inclusive” of a group and actually centering that group. Going to a queer and trans kink event feels different than attending a kink event that’s simply “LGBTQ-friendly.” Language, energy, assumptions, and safety all shift when a space is built with your lived experience at its core.

“…And when you stop following someone else’s script, *you have to write your own.* While polyamory, kink, and queerness aren’t the same thing, they all involve questioning norms about how love, gender, and connection "should" look.”

And while inclusion on the large, societal scale may be the ultimate goal, exclusivity can actually be what creates safety as we work toward that dream. In The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker poses a great question: “Is more merrier—or scarier?” She argues that over-including can lead to shallow connections. Specificity of the guest list, when done with care, can deepen intimacy. The goal isn’t sameness, but intentionality.

My DBT training always leads me toward the both/and rather than the either/or perspective. There isn’t one “right” level of inclusivity. Different types of spaces serve different purposes. Some offer a wide web of connection across identities and experiences. Others create a soft landing for a smaller group of people with shared language, history, and needs. We need both. Especially when it comes to communities navigating sexuality, gender, kink, and polyamory, identities that are often misunderstood, minimized, or erased.

Remembering what we have in common

These intentional, embodied ways of living and relating often emerge from lots of inner work.

The deep self-reflection. The sacred emotional labor. The communication skills that rival a hostage negotiator's. Some internal wisdom prompted us to question what we’ve been taught, check in with our own bodies and desires, and design relationships and lives that actually fit.

And when you stop following someone else’s script, you have to write your own. While polyamory, kink, and queerness aren’t the same thing, they all involve questioning norms about how love, gender, and connection "should" look. That shared disruption is one of the reasons we see so much overlap between these communities.

When You Step Outside the Norm, Everything Gets Clearer (and Queer-er!)

To identify as queer is to say: something within myself doesn’t align with the heteronormative, gendered relationship structures that are represented in society all around me on a daily basis. I would venture to say that for a lot of people, it's a revolutionary decision to go against the grain and listen to what their own bodies are telling them about love. For some, it may require years of peeling back inherited beliefs, surviving microaggressions, facing rejection, and learning to listen inward when the world screams "you’re wrong."

When you do that work, when you come out, when you love outside the lines, when you explore kink or create a polyamorous constellation of care, you’re claiming something radical: your life is your own.

Polyamory Isn’t a Free-for-All. It’s Intentionality + Skillfulness

Let’s bust the myth: polyamory isn’t “I do whatever I want and you’re not allowed to be upset.” Healthy non-monogamy requires clarity, consent, emotional fluency, regular check-ins, and lots (and lots) of accountability.

In an ideal world, our polyam partners can effectively:

Name and process their emotions
Own their impact and engage in repair when needed
Differentiate between boundaries, agreements, and demands
Hold space for multiple dynamics and the complexity that comes along

What the uninitiated might perceive as chaos is actually a lot of heart-open care in action.

Kink Isn’t Deviance. It’s Intimacy With Clarity.

Kink, too, is often misrepresented. But at its core, kink is about honesty, curiosity, consent, and sensation. When done well, it can be a path to healing, especially for those reclaiming agency, processing trauma, or expanding their capacity for embodiment.

Kink asks: what if you could bring your full truth to the surface and be welcomed instead of shamed?

For many, that question changes everything.

Reflect + Rebuild: A Guided Journaling Journey for the Multiplicity of You

Before you go on with your day, let’s slow down. This next part isn’t about doing, it’s about loving reflection. About meeting your identity with breath, softness, and presence. Let these mindset shifts land in your body like small invitations. If it feels right, take a few notes about what comes up. You don’t have to do anything with them, just notice what stirs.

1. It’s all made up.

The "traditional” path (monogamy, marriage, 2.5 kids) is not a universal truth. It’s a social script that changes across history and cultures. If it doesn’t fit you, that’s a-okay. You’re allowed to design something different.

Journal prompt: What “shoulds” about love or identity have you outgrown? What would it look like to design a life that actually fits?

2. Complexity doesn’t mean chaos.

After a lifetime of people-pleasing, knowing what you want can feel complicated. Especially when it goes against what’s "normal." But listening to your needs is so courageous! That clarity is where possibility begins.

Journal prompt: What’s one want, need, or truth that feels complicated to name, but keeps showing up in your body or heart anyway? What would it look like to take a baby-step toward living that truth?

3. You are not too much.

Big feelings, multiple loves, deep cravings for intimacy aren’t flaws, they’re signs that you’re awake. You deserve relationships that celebrate your fullness.

Journal prompt: Where have you felt pressure to shrink or simplify yourself? What parts of you feel ready to expand?

4. Love doesn’t have to look one way.

One size doesn’t fit all. And the sooner we stop pretending it does, the more room we make for creativity, care, and connection. Your version of love is real even if no one else understands it yet.

Journal prompt: When have you had glimmers of expansive and authentic love? What does the biggest, most magical version of love look like to you?

5. You deserve support that sees all of you.

You are not too complicated for therapy. Not too queer, too kinky, too polyam, too much. You deserve to be met where you are.

Journal prompt: What kind of support would feel nourishing to you right now? What would it be like to receive that?

✨ Queer? Kinky? Recovering from people-pleasing?
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Beyond Labels: Embracing Queer, Polyamorous, and Kink-Affirming Identities With Pride